It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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