Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize
