I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
