low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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