so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
