Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes