I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
