I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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