im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
