the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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