I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
