So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
