ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
