lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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