Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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