I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
