Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
