I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Randomize
