just survived the first fart of the relationship.
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
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