dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize