Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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