Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
