my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
I didn't notice because vodka
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Randomize
