Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
