Dude my mom stole all your condoms
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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