My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
We are two peas in an std pod
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
