i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
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