I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
