what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
