apparently the secret to your success is patron
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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