Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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