dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Randomize
