did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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