remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
