My room smells like vodka and shame
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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