I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
