My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
