My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
