Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
