I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
