mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
