Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
