Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
