i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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