There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
Buhtt sex?
I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Randomize
