If i could tip my vagina, i would.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
