I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
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