My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Boobs are out for the taking
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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