I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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