I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
