He asked to "fluff my boner.."
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
