It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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