I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize
