Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
