If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
