Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
