he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i think my cat just said my name.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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